Ianterea (Old Ones)

The Journal of Epic Tales

Don't mind the coffee stains. . .or the blood. . . . . .

Day 1 (Potter)

Dear Diary,

Today has been an eventful day to say the least.

I should probably begin with last night. I did another birthday “magic” show for the annoying brat of a nice-enough halfling couple on the outskirts of Littlesburg. Thank God Thank the Fates Thankfully, the halflings let me stay in their barn for free out of pity after their child declared me to be “the wizard magician ever” and him and his friends chased me and Thurl with rocks. Poor Thurl.

After settling in on the least damp hay bale I could find, I tried to lull myself to sleep by imagining all the horrible ways my clockwork hand could crush the skulls of the halfling children. But, of course, this reminded me of my own child, and how I got the clockwork hand in the first place, and, well, Diary, I started weeping. Thurl did his best to console me, snuggling up underneath my goatee, and it seemed likely this is how we would both find sleep last night.

But just as I was dozing off, I felt a… presence in the barn, up in the haystacks. I reached out with my senses, and had Thurl fly up to take a look. Something stunned Thurl and he flew back down, dazed half out of his bird-brain. As I was readying my spells, waiting to completely annihilate whatever monster was lurking above me, a tiny little badger crawled down to greet me. He had in his mouth a wax-sealed envelope, and after placing it at my feet he disappeared with a pop.

I had Thurl open the letter (naturally), and lo and behold it was from the With Tawala. I’ll tuck it here in your pages so I don’t forget what it said, but basically it was an invitation to come to the Dwarven City and witness her coronation.

The last thing I wanted to do was set out in the morning to the desert island of the Dwarves, but looking at my hand I remembered how much I owed Tawala. So after a brief sleep full of nightmare snakes and demon children, I set out for the desert.

I caught up with a covered wagon heading in the direction of the Dwarves. It belonged to a family of Tieflings, and they offered to give let me ride with them so long as I helped out with the chores.

It was a pleasant enough ride up until the bridge. The Tieflings didn’t speak much. Faliz, the father, seemed an able enough potion mixer. Of course, I don’t really know anything about potions, so he might’ve been terrible for all I know. His wife Tude is perhaps the single most evil-looking humanoid I’ve ever seen, with massive fangs and horns, but she was kind and didn’t smell too bad. Her children Kato and Roxy were sweet enough.

Once we got to the Bridge, however, things changed. Faliz started to drive that cart like he was possessed by the demon that he resembled. Poor little Roxy nearly fell out of the cart at one point as we blazed across the Bridge, and I had to jump completely out just to grab her by her tiny horns. Even after his own daughter nearly died, Faliz refused to slow down his pace. The rest of the ride to the Dwarven city was uneventful and the Tiefling family was deathly quiet. I caught little Roxy peaking at me, though, with a half smile and a look in here eye that seemed to say things that are totally inappropriate for a girl of her age to be thinking about.

We arrived at the Dwarven city at around sunset. Oh Diary, how I wish I was a better artist than a wizard, if only so I could draw the awesome shape of the city! It was like a bug, or armadillo, that could fold and unfold as it crawled across the barren desert. It was made out of machines, and I could sense no magic in how it propelled itself across the dunes. I’ve seen many amazing things in my 19 years (many of which I’d like to forget), but this is by far the most impressive thing I’ve ever observed.

Upon reaching the gate, Faliz and I approached the guards, he to trade his wares and me to go see Talawa get crowned. The guard let me in without a fuss, much to Faliz’s amazement. Serves Faliz right, I guess, for spending so little time getting to know his traveling companions.

A guard led me into an elevator which (I think) took me high up in the City and into the castle (or palace, or whatever it’s called). There Talawa was waiting for me, skinny and wild as she was when she saved me from certain death on that hill.

Also with her was a young half orc I later learned was named Garrick. Garrick had some brutal scars all over his face, and one of his eyes looked like it was made out of yellow crystal. He looked scarier than my ex-wife, but seemed friendly (if not particularly well-mannered).

Talawa escorted the both of us on a tour of the castle, showing us its fantastic clockwork mechanisms (far more complex and beautiful than my hand!), its halls, its gardens, and finally its library. Oh Diary, I nearly swooned in my pants at the sight of all those books!

And then we were brought into the gallery, or hall, or whatever they called the place. I saw hundreds of Dwarves, all milling about, with musicians, and acrobats, and even a gladiator ring set up in front of Talawa’s table. I hung back by the punch bowl while Garrick went over to… fuck-fight? I’m not really sure, but he sure did look like he was having fun, sperm, shit, and blood flying everywhere!

When I felt like I wouldn’t be imposing too much, I snuck over to Talawa’s table and asked her for an audience. She was only too glad to grant it, and agreed to take me back to the library I had seen before. The same library that was, coincidentally, also her bedroom. I think you know where I was going with this, Diary ;) We teased each other about our spellcraft, and I showed off by conjuring up a little Drench spell to get her blouse all wet. Believe me, Diary, more than her blouse was wet when she saw the arcane power at my fingertips!

But before I could even remove my Haramaki, Talawa conjured up a snake and draped it around her shoulders. I FREAKED, Diary! I know it wasn’t an EVIL snake, or anything like that (Talawa has been nothing but good to me), but I couldn’t HELP myself! When Talawa saw my reaction she sent the snake away and asked me what was wrong. I told her, leaving out as much of the uncomfortable detail as I could (I didn’t want to lie to her, but I don’t think she really wants to hear that I had murdered my own child right before she found me), all about the snake cult of my ex wife and adopted father.

Strangely, after I told her about the snake cult, she became very distant and a little cold. She sent me back to dinner, and after chatting with Garrick for a bit about something (it was hard to concentrate with the dream accent of his) Talawa returned and invited everyone to start the feast.

After a brief dinner, where Talawa explained what she was doing in the Halfling part of the world in the first place (“I was on a quest, dear, healing people and preparing myself to be queen!”) Garrick and I got shipped off to bed. But before bed I was treated to what I can only call the best spa and beauty care I’ve ever had in my life. I was soaped, scrubbed, lotioned, massaged, and hand-jobbed! I even got my anus bleached, something I haven’t had since back in the monastery!

A beautiful little half-elf girl spent plenty of time taking care of the details, and we had a pleasant conversation about where she was from and how she came to be working for the Dwarves. I wish I could tell you the details, but with the butthole bleaching and the exhaustion from a long day traveling I can’t even remember her name. She was gone before I woke up the next morning. It’s not often I get to mingle with other half-elves, and frankly I miss meeting other people like me. Maybe that’s why I feel so comfortable around Garrick, which is strange, considering he’s a towering, ill-mannered, excessively-violent, half-orc with scars on his face and the most delightful accent and I’m rambling. Sorry Diary :)

I woke up this morning refreshed and more relaxed than I’ve been in a year. My clothes were somehow cleaned in the night and deposited outside my door. Now that I’m all dressed and ready to go see Talawa crowned, I find I’m barely able to contain my excitement, Diary! Maybe Talawa will let me stay on in this amazing city and study in her library! Maybe I can find that half-elf girl again and have sex with her! I would even enjoy getting coffee with Garrick, maybe to hear a little more about how he got those roguish scars ;)

Oops, there’s a knock at the door, diary! I’ve got to go!

xoxo

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mynameiseno

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