(The following “journal” was found in a lockbox by the esteemed scholar Leroi Augustine Cripshanks. I have taken the liberty of taking a loose sheaf of papers written in what can be described as “a childish hand,” and organized them into a crude sort of narrative. I will let the reader be the judge of the merits of the author and content of these notes.)
how do you start a diary?
this is garrick. i am writing a diary.
after I was dropped ashore life has been boring. i try to kill people for other people who need peep killed. or scared. or beaten up. its all i know how to do. kerralynn told to write a diary. maybe writing a diary will “uh-leevy-ate” my worries, she said. kerralynn was always smarter than me. even though she dumped me and left me in port. i still like her though. so I am writing a diary. this is my diary.
(**Editor’s Note: The next two pages are filled with doodles of a surprisingly violent nature. The lack of skill of the artist merely serves to heighten the brutality of these drawings. As disturbed as I am at viewing them, I am, though I am ashamed to admit it, entertained.)
There was a frog in my room tonight. I do not know how it got there. Probably the window. I leave it open to smell the sea. I like the sea. I hate frogs. Maybe I should close the window. I once heard somewhere that if you lick frogs you see things. It’s a lot like smoking a peace-pipe, only it’s licking a frog. I thought how cool it would be to trip my shit after licking this frog. But I have really bad dreams when I sleep. I’d rather not have those dreams while I’m awake. I really shouldn’t lick the frog. Right as I was about to lick the frog, he coughed. He coughed very loud like. Then he spit out a small letter. I don’t know where the letter came from, or why he had it in his belly. I read the letter, and it was from Talawa, a Dwarf wizard who saved my life when I was younger. She gave me her favoritest cats-eye marble to replace my eye that got broken. Now I can see magic things. The letter asked me to come see her “coronation” whatever the fuck that is. she saved my life. i will go. the frog left while i was reading the letter. he probably didn’t want to get licked. ha.
I left. It didn’t take long. I don’t have much. i put claire in my pack-pack, paid my bill and left.
(** Editor’s note: Despite some early confusion, it has been ascertained that “Claire” is the name of Garrick’s greataxe.)
i bought passage aboard a gnome township. they will take me to the bridge. from there i will go to the dwarf city that moves. its called mangina
(** Editor’s note: Garrick refers to the mobile city of Mangyro.)
some how i got knocked out. i drank a bit. tried to find a frog to lick, but there weren’t any on the ship. i thought maybe ale would make my bad dreams go away. i should not have drank that much. i woke up in a strange room. my hands and feet were bound. they were bad nots. not sailor nots for sure. there was some fat ass half-oger there who tried to say he’d rape me. i told him i’d use my butt-hole to suck out his insides. he thought he’d rape me anyway. i found a dinner knife and untied the nots. i opened his fat ass tummy and spilled his gutsies out all over the floor. i tried to spell “raper” with his intestines. i thought it would be easy to spell in cursive because intestines are connected. i forgot that i don’t write cursive very well. i think they got the message tho. i found some gold and a funny black paper with a bit of wax spilled on it. i wonder what it means. maybe talawa will know.
(** Editor’s note: There is a hand print in a faded brownish color. There is a crudely painted smiley face next to the hand print. This author does not wish to speculate which medium the artist used.)
i got let off the boat and immediately started walking towards mangina. you can see it in the distance. its big. i showed up at the gates, and there was a faggy-looking half-man there that had a similar letter that i got. i wonder if he licked the toad. he looks like the kind of person who would lick a toad to get fucked up. ill ask him sometime. we got let in and were greeted like kings. we got huge bedrooms and a bath and nice clothes. the Faggy-Man got something called an “anal bleaching.” I am not sure what that means. ill ask him what it was sometime. probably when i ask him about frog-licking.
there was a fucking cool party. there were people fighting. so i fought. i won. i beat the shit out of some dwarf with some shitty tattoos. he seemed like a nice guy. i drank some ale, ate some food. i noticed that other people were having sex. i wanted to have sex. it has been a while since i had sex. kerralynn had good sex. that bitch. anyway, before long the people who were fighting and the people who were having sex became one group and they started fuck-fighting. i had a fuckfight with a strong dwarf girl. it was awesome. she almost broke my neck with her thighs. that would have been an honorable death.
i should have said this earlier, but i didn’t, so ill say it now. Talawa, who is totally cool, has a shithead little brother who looks like a girl dressed up as a dude. well talawas brother totally shaved his head and wore her clothes and tricked the guards. he said that talawa was him and that The Faggy Man and me had tried to kill him. thats not true. we didn’t do that. but the guards didn’t believe us and they tried to kill us.
i wonder if he cut off his dick. you know to be more like a woman. like his sister. that would be fucked up.
we ran from the guards and i had to kill one or two before we got away. talawa told us to leave her behind so we jumped off the edge of mangina. Faggy man tried to make himself fly and he was lucky i was there with some rope to catch him otherwise he’d be dead. we thought we were in the clear, but then a fucking fire beetle showed up. it kicked my ass. faggy man put on his big boy pants and saved the fucking day. im glad he did. im glad im not dead. that would have blowed. but now we’re stuck in the desert. were the hell do we go now? all of mangina is looking for us for some stupid shit we didn’t even do.
good night diary. for now.
PS. the faggy man’s named is Al. its a longer name than that, but i cant spell it so i call him Al.