Ianterea (Old Ones)


After leaving a town that Garrick and Aliquotiens had inhabited for a couple of days, they were killed for a bounty on their heads.
Thus, the fabled father of the snake god and the fearsome pirate perished outside the gates of East Wall. . . .
What is to happen to Ianterea now?

garrick's diary
Day 1

(The following “journal” was found in a lockbox by the esteemed scholar Leroi Augustine Cripshanks. I have taken the liberty of taking a loose sheaf of papers written in what can be described as “a childish hand,” and organized them into a crude sort of narrative. I will let the reader be the judge of the merits of the author and content of these notes.)

how do you start a diary?


this is garrick. i am writing a diary.

after I was dropped ashore life has been boring. i try to kill people for other people who need peep killed. or scared. or beaten up. its all i know how to do. kerralynn told to write a diary. maybe writing a diary will “uh-leevy-ate” my worries, she said. kerralynn was always smarter than me. even though she dumped me and left me in port. i still like her though. so I am writing a diary. this is my diary.

(**Editor’s Note: The next two pages are filled with doodles of a surprisingly violent nature. The lack of skill of the artist merely serves to heighten the brutality of these drawings. As disturbed as I am at viewing them, I am, though I am ashamed to admit it, entertained.)

There was a frog in my room tonight. I do not know how it got there. Probably the window. I leave it open to smell the sea. I like the sea. I hate frogs. Maybe I should close the window. I once heard somewhere that if you lick frogs you see things. It’s a lot like smoking a peace-pipe, only it’s licking a frog. I thought how cool it would be to trip my shit after licking this frog. But I have really bad dreams when I sleep. I’d rather not have those dreams while I’m awake. I really shouldn’t lick the frog. Right as I was about to lick the frog, he coughed. He coughed very loud like. Then he spit out a small letter. I don’t know where the letter came from, or why he had it in his belly. I read the letter, and it was from Talawa, a Dwarf wizard who saved my life when I was younger. She gave me her favoritest cats-eye marble to replace my eye that got broken. Now I can see magic things. The letter asked me to come see her “coronation” whatever the fuck that is. she saved my life. i will go. the frog left while i was reading the letter. he probably didn’t want to get licked. ha.

I left. It didn’t take long. I don’t have much. i put claire in my pack-pack, paid my bill and left.

(** Editor’s note: Despite some early confusion, it has been ascertained that “Claire” is the name of Garrick’s greataxe.)

i bought passage aboard a gnome township. they will take me to the bridge. from there i will go to the dwarf city that moves. its called mangina

(** Editor’s note: Garrick refers to the mobile city of Mangyro.)

some how i got knocked out. i drank a bit. tried to find a frog to lick, but there weren’t any on the ship. i thought maybe ale would make my bad dreams go away. i should not have drank that much. i woke up in a strange room. my hands and feet were bound. they were bad nots. not sailor nots for sure. there was some fat ass half-oger there who tried to say he’d rape me. i told him i’d use my butt-hole to suck out his insides. he thought he’d rape me anyway. i found a dinner knife and untied the nots. i opened his fat ass tummy and spilled his gutsies out all over the floor. i tried to spell “raper” with his intestines. i thought it would be easy to spell in cursive because intestines are connected. i forgot that i don’t write cursive very well. i think they got the message tho. i found some gold and a funny black paper with a bit of wax spilled on it. i wonder what it means. maybe talawa will know.

(** Editor’s note: There is a hand print in a faded brownish color. There is a crudely painted smiley face next to the hand print. This author does not wish to speculate which medium the artist used.)

i got let off the boat and immediately started walking towards mangina. you can see it in the distance. its big. i showed up at the gates, and there was a faggy-looking half-man there that had a similar letter that i got. i wonder if he licked the toad. he looks like the kind of person who would lick a toad to get fucked up. ill ask him sometime. we got let in and were greeted like kings. we got huge bedrooms and a bath and nice clothes. the Faggy-Man got something called an “anal bleaching.” I am not sure what that means. ill ask him what it was sometime. probably when i ask him about frog-licking.

there was a fucking cool party. there were people fighting. so i fought. i won. i beat the shit out of some dwarf with some shitty tattoos. he seemed like a nice guy. i drank some ale, ate some food. i noticed that other people were having sex. i wanted to have sex. it has been a while since i had sex. kerralynn had good sex. that bitch. anyway, before long the people who were fighting and the people who were having sex became one group and they started fuck-fighting. i had a fuckfight with a strong dwarf girl. it was awesome. she almost broke my neck with her thighs. that would have been an honorable death.

i should have said this earlier, but i didn’t, so ill say it now. Talawa, who is totally cool, has a shithead little brother who looks like a girl dressed up as a dude. well talawas brother totally shaved his head and wore her clothes and tricked the guards. he said that talawa was him and that The Faggy Man and me had tried to kill him. thats not true. we didn’t do that. but the guards didn’t believe us and they tried to kill us.

i wonder if he cut off his dick. you know to be more like a woman. like his sister. that would be fucked up.

we ran from the guards and i had to kill one or two before we got away. talawa told us to leave her behind so we jumped off the edge of mangina. Faggy man tried to make himself fly and he was lucky i was there with some rope to catch him otherwise he’d be dead. we thought we were in the clear, but then a fucking fire beetle showed up. it kicked my ass. faggy man put on his big boy pants and saved the fucking day. im glad he did. im glad im not dead. that would have blowed. but now we’re stuck in the desert. were the hell do we go now? all of mangina is looking for us for some stupid shit we didn’t even do.

good night diary. for now.

PS. the faggy man’s named is Al. its a longer name than that, but i cant spell it so i call him Al.

The Journal of Epic Tales
Don't mind the coffee stains. . .or the blood. . . . . .

Day 1 (Potter)

Dear Diary,

Today has been an eventful day to say the least.

I should probably begin with last night. I did another birthday “magic” show for the annoying brat of a nice-enough halfling couple on the outskirts of Littlesburg. Thank God Thank the Fates Thankfully, the halflings let me stay in their barn for free out of pity after their child declared me to be “the wizard magician ever” and him and his friends chased me and Thurl with rocks. Poor Thurl.

After settling in on the least damp hay bale I could find, I tried to lull myself to sleep by imagining all the horrible ways my clockwork hand could crush the skulls of the halfling children. But, of course, this reminded me of my own child, and how I got the clockwork hand in the first place, and, well, Diary, I started weeping. Thurl did his best to console me, snuggling up underneath my goatee, and it seemed likely this is how we would both find sleep last night.

But just as I was dozing off, I felt a… presence in the barn, up in the haystacks. I reached out with my senses, and had Thurl fly up to take a look. Something stunned Thurl and he flew back down, dazed half out of his bird-brain. As I was readying my spells, waiting to completely annihilate whatever monster was lurking above me, a tiny little badger crawled down to greet me. He had in his mouth a wax-sealed envelope, and after placing it at my feet he disappeared with a pop.

I had Thurl open the letter (naturally), and lo and behold it was from the With Tawala. I’ll tuck it here in your pages so I don’t forget what it said, but basically it was an invitation to come to the Dwarven City and witness her coronation.

The last thing I wanted to do was set out in the morning to the desert island of the Dwarves, but looking at my hand I remembered how much I owed Tawala. So after a brief sleep full of nightmare snakes and demon children, I set out for the desert.

I caught up with a covered wagon heading in the direction of the Dwarves. It belonged to a family of Tieflings, and they offered to give let me ride with them so long as I helped out with the chores.

It was a pleasant enough ride up until the bridge. The Tieflings didn’t speak much. Faliz, the father, seemed an able enough potion mixer. Of course, I don’t really know anything about potions, so he might’ve been terrible for all I know. His wife Tude is perhaps the single most evil-looking humanoid I’ve ever seen, with massive fangs and horns, but she was kind and didn’t smell too bad. Her children Kato and Roxy were sweet enough.

Once we got to the Bridge, however, things changed. Faliz started to drive that cart like he was possessed by the demon that he resembled. Poor little Roxy nearly fell out of the cart at one point as we blazed across the Bridge, and I had to jump completely out just to grab her by her tiny horns. Even after his own daughter nearly died, Faliz refused to slow down his pace. The rest of the ride to the Dwarven city was uneventful and the Tiefling family was deathly quiet. I caught little Roxy peaking at me, though, with a half smile and a look in here eye that seemed to say things that are totally inappropriate for a girl of her age to be thinking about.

We arrived at the Dwarven city at around sunset. Oh Diary, how I wish I was a better artist than a wizard, if only so I could draw the awesome shape of the city! It was like a bug, or armadillo, that could fold and unfold as it crawled across the barren desert. It was made out of machines, and I could sense no magic in how it propelled itself across the dunes. I’ve seen many amazing things in my 19 years (many of which I’d like to forget), but this is by far the most impressive thing I’ve ever observed.

Upon reaching the gate, Faliz and I approached the guards, he to trade his wares and me to go see Talawa get crowned. The guard let me in without a fuss, much to Faliz’s amazement. Serves Faliz right, I guess, for spending so little time getting to know his traveling companions.

A guard led me into an elevator which (I think) took me high up in the City and into the castle (or palace, or whatever it’s called). There Talawa was waiting for me, skinny and wild as she was when she saved me from certain death on that hill.

Also with her was a young half orc I later learned was named Garrick. Garrick had some brutal scars all over his face, and one of his eyes looked like it was made out of yellow crystal. He looked scarier than my ex-wife, but seemed friendly (if not particularly well-mannered).

Talawa escorted the both of us on a tour of the castle, showing us its fantastic clockwork mechanisms (far more complex and beautiful than my hand!), its halls, its gardens, and finally its library. Oh Diary, I nearly swooned in my pants at the sight of all those books!

And then we were brought into the gallery, or hall, or whatever they called the place. I saw hundreds of Dwarves, all milling about, with musicians, and acrobats, and even a gladiator ring set up in front of Talawa’s table. I hung back by the punch bowl while Garrick went over to… fuck-fight? I’m not really sure, but he sure did look like he was having fun, sperm, shit, and blood flying everywhere!

When I felt like I wouldn’t be imposing too much, I snuck over to Talawa’s table and asked her for an audience. She was only too glad to grant it, and agreed to take me back to the library I had seen before. The same library that was, coincidentally, also her bedroom. I think you know where I was going with this, Diary ;) We teased each other about our spellcraft, and I showed off by conjuring up a little Drench spell to get her blouse all wet. Believe me, Diary, more than her blouse was wet when she saw the arcane power at my fingertips!

But before I could even remove my Haramaki, Talawa conjured up a snake and draped it around her shoulders. I FREAKED, Diary! I know it wasn’t an EVIL snake, or anything like that (Talawa has been nothing but good to me), but I couldn’t HELP myself! When Talawa saw my reaction she sent the snake away and asked me what was wrong. I told her, leaving out as much of the uncomfortable detail as I could (I didn’t want to lie to her, but I don’t think she really wants to hear that I had murdered my own child right before she found me), all about the snake cult of my ex wife and adopted father.

Strangely, after I told her about the snake cult, she became very distant and a little cold. She sent me back to dinner, and after chatting with Garrick for a bit about something (it was hard to concentrate with the dream accent of his) Talawa returned and invited everyone to start the feast.

After a brief dinner, where Talawa explained what she was doing in the Halfling part of the world in the first place (“I was on a quest, dear, healing people and preparing myself to be queen!”) Garrick and I got shipped off to bed. But before bed I was treated to what I can only call the best spa and beauty care I’ve ever had in my life. I was soaped, scrubbed, lotioned, massaged, and hand-jobbed! I even got my anus bleached, something I haven’t had since back in the monastery!

A beautiful little half-elf girl spent plenty of time taking care of the details, and we had a pleasant conversation about where she was from and how she came to be working for the Dwarves. I wish I could tell you the details, but with the butthole bleaching and the exhaustion from a long day traveling I can’t even remember her name. She was gone before I woke up the next morning. It’s not often I get to mingle with other half-elves, and frankly I miss meeting other people like me. Maybe that’s why I feel so comfortable around Garrick, which is strange, considering he’s a towering, ill-mannered, excessively-violent, half-orc with scars on his face and the most delightful accent and I’m rambling. Sorry Diary :)

I woke up this morning refreshed and more relaxed than I’ve been in a year. My clothes were somehow cleaned in the night and deposited outside my door. Now that I’m all dressed and ready to go see Talawa crowned, I find I’m barely able to contain my excitement, Diary! Maybe Talawa will let me stay on in this amazing city and study in her library! Maybe I can find that half-elf girl again and have sex with her! I would even enjoy getting coffee with Garrick, maybe to hear a little more about how he got those roguish scars ;)

Oops, there’s a knock at the door, diary! I’ve got to go!



I'm sorry, but we no longer support this web browser. Please upgrade your browser or install Chrome or Firefox to enjoy the full functionality of this site.